Here’s a quote I quite like from thinky French man, Jean Baudrillard:

“If you say, I love you, then you have already fallen in love with language, which is already a form of break up and infidelity.”

Here is a slight re-arrangement of that quote, by me, who once read a couple books by thinky Frenchmen and also owns a swish corduroy jacket.

“If you say, “Yay, XxGamingxX!”, then you have already fallen in love with keychains shaped like Triforces and Mario breakfast cereal. I have a toilet roll dispenser in the shape of Shigeru Miyamoto’s elbow I would like to sell you.”

Here’s 7 times the Ready Player One trailer made me throw up in my mouth.


1. “My dad picked that name because it sounded like a superhero’s alter ego”
Ready Player One

“Hey, fellow geeks! Reading some of those graphical novels as featured in popular and accurate nerd culture documentary The Big Bang Theory? We heard you also like the supermens. We can’t legally include the supermens, but here’s a strained reference anyway! Don’t go spending too much time on that Nintendo or that other Nintendo shaped like an ‘X‘!”


2.Dystopia-Ception

Ready Player One

Using virtual reality to escape from a dystopian nightmare by simulating a dystopian nightmare. It. Just. Makes. Sense.


3. Tits or GTFO

Ready Player One“People come to the oasis for all the things they can do, but they stay for all the things they can be.”

As in, someone who has once known the illusive touch of the opposite sex? People who play games forming meaningful relationships with other humans? What crazy cyber land is this?! Congratulations on subtly insulting your entire male audience, whilst also insinuating your entire female audience exist only as shiny, sexy prizes to be won. I’m starting to suspect this was written by someone whose entire experience of gaming comes from paranoid Fox News features.


 4. “It’s the only place that feels like I mean anything”

Ready Player One

Hey losers. Come watch our film about what losers you are. Also, we’re the only ones that will ever understand you.

Hang on…

Is this film trying to initiate a classically abusive relationship with me?


5. An actual, literal Easter EggReady Player One

This is a game word, right? This is a word humans who game use? Forgive me, for am I only a humble robot who searched thousands of gaming articles for common terms and picked one at random to use as a plot device. Beep boop.


6. “This isn’t just a game!”

Ready Player One

hold on a second…Ready Player One

that’s better.


7. Hack to the Future

Ready Player One

Remember how you remember all those things you remember? SO DO WE. Beep boop.


In Conclusion

Ready Player One

BYE! x


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Nic Reuben

Nic Reuben likes to pause games every five minutes to ponder the thematic implications of explosive barrel placement. When he's not having an existential crisis over CAPTCHA verifications that ask him to prove he's not a robot, he's reading sci-fi and fantasy short stories, watching cartoons, and mourning the writing standards in Game of Thrones.